Can the other parent move further away after the divorce or not? It is an issue that family law lawyer Ingrid Vledder is increasingly confronted with. The judge was not involved in the case of father Gerard (60) and mother Sandra (43); they solve it differently. “We ‘move’ 200 kilometers every week.”
There is no custody dispute that is litigated as much as the question of whether someone is allowed to move after a divorce or not, says family law lawyer Ingrid Vledder. And as a result of the popularity of dating apps, the number of lawsuits about this is also increasing enormously, she thinks.
“If you broke up in the past, you met a new love in your own village or city. Now that you can suddenly get in touch with people from all over the Netherlands via apps like Tinder, you as a Limburger may easily fall in love with someone from Groningen.”
Then figure it out if you have children with an ex-partner. “Many parents do not realize that they are condemned to each other until their children are of age. If you have joint custody, you need permission from the other parent to move. “It used to be easier to get this than it is nowadays, Vledder experiences. .
Co-parenting
“Back then, fathers often had access arrangements where they saw their children every other weekend and then it didn’t matter so much if you lived far apart as parents. But now parents often opt for co-parenting and more extensive care arrangements, and then it becomes more difficult. I also think that with co-parenting you should live close to each other to keep it workable for the children.”
If you cannot reach an agreement, the judge will have to make a decision. This examines, among other things, whether there is an economic or social need for the departing parent to move elsewhere. For example, a judge may grant permission if the parent can demonstrate that he or she simply cannot find or afford housing in the current place of residence. But more often than not, permission is not given, Vledder sees.
“These are very difficult, uncertain procedures, which can also put a lot of pressure on well-run co-parenting relationships. Moreover, it can take a long time before you know where you stand, and all the while your life is in a certain way at a standstill.” Her advice: find your new love closer to home and limit your range on Tinder.
“Find your new love closer to home and limit your range on Tinder.”
But of course there is no need to go to court. Sandra Smeets (43), for example, has found a way to continue living in the environment of her ex-partner as well as in that of her current love Maarten. One week they live with her daughter in Zeeuws-Vlaanderen, where Sandra comes from and her ex-partner still lives, the next week they live with Maarten’s children in Maarssen, where his ex still lives. “Our children always stay in their own environment. We are the ones who ‘move’ 200 kilometers every week.”
Two and a half hour ride
Sandra met Maarten six years ago shortly after she and her daughter’s father separated. Maarten had also only just become single again at the time. They weren’t looking forward to a new relationship yet, but love couldn’t be stopped. Because they are both co-parents of their own children, living full-time in one of their two hometowns was not an option. They decided to buy a house together in Zeeland and also keep Maarten’s home in Maarssen.
Every Monday evening they drive two and a half hours from one place of residence to another. “That’s quite a ride, but now it is a moment of rest for us that we look forward to.” One week they are a family of three with Sandra’s now almost 18-year-old daughter, the next week they live under one roof with Maarten’s 9-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter.
Sandra: “For us and the children, this was the best solution, and the only way we could live together without letting our children suffer from it. Of course it can be difficult at times and there have been times when we thought: should we continue this for another ten years? But it also has many advantages.
We do not have the problems that you may have in a traditional blended family where you live with all the children under one roof. For us, that would have led to many more problems, if only because of the age difference of our children. My daughter would have really struggled if two younger children suddenly came into the house.”
Forced career change
The problem is that it limits Sandra and Maarten somewhat. For example, they cannot play team sports where they are expected to attend a competition or training every week, because they are somewhere else for two weeks a month. Sandra also had to make a career change. “I have always been self-employed, but I cannot have a business where I am not present half the time. That is why I now work part-time as an employee, in a job that I can do completely from home. And recently I have also also starting again as an interior stylist.”
Despite the difficulties, they are mostly happy that they found a way to make it work. “In the end, we can’t grumble. We feel blessed that it can be done this way.”
With Gerard Wouters (60) there was no new partner in the game. Yet he moved 120 kilometers away from his ex-partner and daughter. He and the mother of his almost 6-year-old daughter Jasmijn separated when the girl was 6 weeks old. Gerard preferred to continue living nearby in North Brabant, but that turned out not to be easy. “I just couldn’t find a place to live there. I searched for a long time, but if 900 people respond to one home, it becomes a difficult story.”
He saw no other option than to move back to North Holland, where he comes from. “Within two weeks I had an anti-squat home of 45 m2. Not ideal, but it was something. And four months later I was able to move into a larger rental home where I could easily accommodate our daughter.”
Gerard has a visitation arrangement whereby he sees Jasmijn two weekends a month and during the holidays for a week to ten days in a row. “I pick her up from school on Friday at half past one. Then we go for fries nearby and then we drive to my house. Usually the day is pretty much over by the time we get to my place.
Fortunately, she loves movies just like her dad, so we go and watch a movie together. The next morning I always try to go out with her on time. On Sunday morning we go swimming and on Sunday afternoon I bring her back.”
480 kilometer drive
During such a weekend, Gerard drives 480 kilometers just to pick up and drop off his daughter. And when she has swimming lessons, like the other day during ‘his’ weekend, he has to stay in Brabant until she has finished. He has a lot of contact with his daughter and keeps close track of everything she experiences there in the school app, but the fact remains that he misses a lot of her daily life.
“I would have preferred it differently, but it is what it is. Fortunately, our bond does not suffer from it: when she is with me, she hangs around my neck all day long. She is as crazy about me as I am about her. “
