StamCafé – JOOST TO THE FINAL
And now we switch LIVE to the multicultural European paradise of Malmö for the second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest. Hold on tight to your neighbor’s cock because we’re going wild with JOOST KLEIN and his primary school banger Europapa. He probably won’t win, but Europapa will of course advance to the grand final tonight. Things are heating up again during the Eurovision Song Contest because Sjakie Grovet (Krezip) went to eat at a Japanese restaurant, to the horror of Evert Santegoeds, and Kontnaald Aars has already been canceled by https://twitter.com/op1npo/status/1787970882016509981. All chickens are on the roost, you can watch on NPO1, the very best unqualified commentary straight from the heart will automatically appear below. Press F5 regularly to stay fully informed! Teampie Netherlands is completely last and also pay attention to number 14, Israel. Morerrrr later & greetings to our mothers-in-law.
UPDATE – Yep, let’s start. There is a lady in a bathing suit lying under a sunbed. Wait, there are several women. Oh yes, these are presenters Malin and Petra. Together they look like a beach flag. This means: the rescue station is open and the rescue brigade’s working area is supervised by qualified lifeguards
UPDATE – Meanwhile, the VRT is taking a ‘position’ against Israel. https://twitter.com/alexanderbakker/status/1788645464163672562. Shouldn’t those Belgians just hang from the bar glowing from the Duvel?
UPDATE 01 MALTA – Malta always comes last but now they come with Sarah Karbonadedinges. Reminds us of that chatting Spanish Aphrodite of that football goalkeeper Casillas. It is also called Sara de Karbonade. Unfortunately, this song doesn’t make us very happy. The lady puts on a blindfold and immediately takes it off. That’s not dedication. Then just do it completely blind. No, this was definitely not fun. We have a dropout!
UPDATE 02 ALBANIA – This lady apparently has a lot of stray dogs at home and that’s funny, because while in the Netherlands you have to do your best to find stray dogs, in Albania you stumble over those damn animals. Pro tip: for God’s sake never go to Dürres and certainly don’t go to the strip club there, because there are only scammers and idiots. But what do we know? This lady looks a bit like the heavily made-up grandniece of Guus Meeuwis’s Manon. This song is also horrible. Are they so busy with blood feuds in Albania that they don’t have a jury to reject this dentist’s music?
UPDATE 03 GREECE – This gentleman dressed as a lady apparently got kicked in the tube very hard. Oh wait she starts rapping too. Waddup Piggy! Clothing style reminds us a bit of Alizée. Fingers who still knows Alizée (us, every night). Her dress is a spray-painted Komo bag. If you buy that dress at Miss Etam, would it also include those white pocket fasteners? Sjakie Grovet thinks it’s very good. We do not!
UPDATE 04 SWITZERLAND – This guy looks like a pregnant chicken. This really is a beautiful outfit to take a stroll through Khan Younis (or Amsterdam Nieuw-West). See how long it takes before you get honked off the roof. It’s great that he manages to maintain his balance on that disc. It will be quite a challenge to blast this off the roof
UPDATE 05 CZECH REPUBLIC – Okay, this pole-dancing bird of paradise makes us happy. Looks a bit like Nena. DON’T start rapping now girl. Yes, this is the first one we would buy a ticket for. At the back of the room to drink a few glasses of beer. Was it good then? No of course not! HEY LOOK A BANANA. Oh no, that’s the presenter. Bath break
UPDATE – This slow Lyon racer with the fly screen around his body is France’s entry. We see this again in the final because the major countries are in bed with the Eurovision jury. Wow, this singing fly screen has quite a voice. Sjakie Grovet has goosebumps in her pants. We’ll continue like this AFTER THE CLICK
UPDATE 06 AUSTRIA – Marcel Hirscher is ours! We get a bit of a strange taste when ANOTHER COUNTRY takes advantage of our 90s rave. Nice package, excruciatingly annoying number
UPDATE 07 DENMARK – Truus went to the city beach of Malmö this morning to pick up a bucket of sand. We hear a shameless clone of this ‘I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in, I’ll never meet the ground.‘ For now, taking a shit in the toilet is a better way to spend the evening than listening to all this CRACK
UPDATE 08 ARMENIA – Beautiful woman, but she has a damn mediocre goat on her. That French throwaway with his horn. This Balkan Lenny Kuhr would do really well in the Lima at Lowlands. Everyone comes flying in again with sticks, branches and trees. And then LA LA LA run circles around such a tree until you drop dead in Patricia’s tent at campsite 3. A day later it turns out that Patricia is actually Patrick and you walk back to your camper, broken.
UPDATE 09 LATVIA – THREE LAT FIVE LAT TEN LAT! Uncle Fester has dressed up as horny Moby. What an incredibly boring affair. In the meantime, let’s name a few bald rams and then you have to choose. Ed Kowalczyk. Sivert Høyem. Michael Stipe. Billy Corgan. Sinead O’Connor (
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