‘My husband found a leather whip in my wardrobe’

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“’The house looks so clean, honey,’ said Peter approvingly when he returned from a business trip. The house was spic and span and I was looking radiant. Satisfied after an exciting afternoon in a tip-top house, which had been cleaned by a slave. Do you know that vodka commercial in which a good housewife kisses her husband goodbye in the morning, closes the curtains and takes out her whip in a latex suit? That’s me.

Not every day; I have a play session with one of my subs about twice a month. Subs are submissive men who want to serve me as slaves. Usually in a suite or hotel room, sometimes at my home. Indeed: between my youngest son’s Lego Ninjago.

It is a favor in return: they enjoy serving their lady – mistress sounds so loud – by cleaning, cooking or giving me a massage. And I love seeing them grow up small and owning them. I don’t have sex with most of them, that’s why I have Gerard, my main slave. Our relationship is intense and deep; a great love. You should know what a man does for you and how much he falls in love with you when you have control over his balls.

Different from friends

I was nine years old when I said to the little boys in the neighborhood: ‘Show your penis.’ They did it willingly. ‘Tsss,’ I would say, ‘is that all?’ I’ve always felt like I was different from my friends, sexually. Sure, I had relationships and the sex was often pretty good. But afterwards I always had an unsatisfied feeling. That it wasn’t quite it after all; that there had to be more. I just had no idea what.

A bit spicy

I had never heard of BDSM – which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submissive. It was home and garden sex, although I liked it a bit spicy. I have always been dominant in bed. Eight years ago our second son was born. Peter and I’s sex life, which was never really sparkling anyway, came to a complete standstill. It’s because of the hormones, I thought at first. But even if I wanted to, I couldn’t enjoy it anymore. Peter, as always, took no initiative. Actually, for me, our marriage was over at that time, but I did not want a divorce. The children were still very young.

Animal feeling

When the situation still did not improve after four years and Peter did not seem to want to make any effort, I thought it was enough. Time for an affair, I thought, and I signed up for Second Love. That’s where I met Rick. We emailed back and forth for a while before we agreed. Exciting talk, challenging each other a bit and making fun, but nothing in the direction of BDSM.

However, the first time I saw him, something happened inside me. It’s difficult to explain. An animal feeling that started to buzz more and more. I couldn’t ignore it. He was tall, masculine, dark. I thought: I want to grab you by the hair and was shocked by that feeling. I found him wildly attractive, and the feeling was mutual: he started to stutter. ‘What is this boy? Are you still going to talk?’, I said. And with that our foundation was laid.

We decided to meet again the next day and go dancing. On the way home from the discotheque, that same animal feeling arose again, even more strongly than the day before. I ordered him to stop the car and pull over to the side of the road, and directed him to the back seat. I remember sitting on him. Then I went into a frenzy and beat him up for ten minutes. I had no idea what was happening to me, and when I came to my senses after those ten minutes, I was terrified he would hit me back, or at least think I was crazy. In fact, I thought I had gone insane. None of that, he said, ‘Go ahead. You are dominant, Tessa.’ At home I kissed my sleeping children. It was as if my whole life was in jeopardy. I didn’t even feel guilty towards Peter.

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Alter ego

We met in hotels. Rick loved it when I took away his senses one by one. Blindfolded him, wrapped him in tape and put on headphones. I found one during those dates mindswitch place. Once in the hotel room, I became someone else. Lady Xena: just like the eponymous, ruthless, manipulative and warlike leader of a rogue army in ancient Greece.

Found in the wardrobe

Our relationship lasted nine months. Then Peter found a leather whip in my wardrobe. Well, get that straight. I’ve told you everything. Somehow I hoped that Peter would be open to it, that we could do BDSM together. After all, he is the man I would most like to grow old with, and a BDSM relationship does not mean that you show your sub every corner of the room every day. It’s love like any other, and every once in a while you get out your toys. No one needs to know about it and it’s easy to keep it hidden from the children. You drill a hole in the ceiling, hang a hanging plant from it, and when the moment comes, you screw a pole to it to which you tie your slave.

Peter wasn’t having any of it. He didn’t understand it and demanded that I stop my lifestyle. But to deny my BDSM feelings would be to deny myself. We went to couples therapy, where we decided that I could express my feelings with other men, as long as I didn’t have sex with them. Those submissive men are just pussies, Peter thought. He had to know. Making love with him is like sneezing: just as nice and immediately forgotten. A good session with a sub leaves me high for two days. During BDSM sex I feel seen at my core, pure, no matter how vague that may sound. “Fine,” I said to Peter, “I won’t have sex with them.” Peter is a sweet father, I couldn’t and don’t have the heart to tear our family apart. Meanwhile I knew better, I would also have sex with other men.

Being submissive or dominant

I broke up with Rick and for a while I played with all kinds of men. Most with a wife and children at home. It’s surprising how many people there are like me, living double lives. It remains a huge taboo. People associate BDSM with brutal violence and humiliation. But those are extremes. Misogynists or man haters or people with a traumatic past. You are surprised at the amount of attractive men in the BDSM world. Often highly educated, right-thinking men who enjoy being submissive or dominant for a few hours.

My subs are usually men in leadership positions, with a docile wife at home. I can imagine that it is nice if they can feel small with me. I myself was born with dominant feelings. I had a loving childhood and was my father’s little princess. My father spoiled me, brought me breakfast in bed every day. In that sense, I find it normal for men to serve me. I like the power. I also spank my subs, usually with a belt or whip, but then I shower them with love.

Punishment and then a hug

You know, men are like little boys. They need that discipline and love. When my youngest son does something naughty, I give him a stern talking to and put him in the corner to think. When he promises me afterwards that he won’t do it again, I hug him flat. It works exactly the same for my men. If one of my subs misses a spot while vacuuming or leaves the toilet seat up, he gets punished. With the whip. He understands that, because he only wants to serve me better. Then I hug him. And that love feels a lot sweeter after a few blows – even if it costs me some laddering tights. Sometimes it gets quite spicy when I drop to my knees to punish him by his sex.

We women complain that men never do anything in the house, but in the meantime we do it wrong ourselves: many of them just need orders. If you reward them afterwards, they will be like wax in your hands. The BDSM meeting sites are packed with men offering themselves for odd jobs. Very handy: I ​​give them assignments while I do my nails, and if they have done a good job they get a pat on the back. It really makes them very happy, and it doesn’t cost me a cent.

‘I feel like having sex with my husband again’

After about a year and a half of playing, I still missed the depth I had with Rick. I came across Gerard on a site for BDSM enthusiasts. For him I feel that same animalistic dominance that I felt for Rick. We’ve been together for a year now and he’s the only one I have sex with outside of my marriage. I don’t feel guilty towards Peter, although he still thinks that I only express my preferences platonically. He never asks how often and with whom I do that, and I don’t tell. The sex I have with Gerard makes me want to have sex with Peter again. When I met Gerard I had not been so blue for a long time.

I grabbed his chin, looked at his face from different angles and said, “I like you.” “Finally, a truly dominant woman,” he replied. Bottom line, I am a pleasure dominant: I would like to get my pleasure. For many of my subs an orgasm is not important at all, but for me it is and I don’t give myself to everyone. After a play session with Gerard I am a happy mother and wife.

His lady deserves to be spoiled

I now have a number of slaves besides Gerard. He’s fine with that; he thinks his lady deserves to be spoiled. His wife has no idea. Sometimes I deliberately don’t let Gerard come, even though he has already been walking around with a chastity belt for a week, and I instruct him to have sex with his wife at home. Tease and denialit’s officially called: I make him feel good, but he has to postpone his orgasm until I say it’s allowed.

There are a lot of couples who play with this, and yet there is still a huge taboo on BDSM. And I participate in it, because apart from my husband, only my two best friends know about my feelings. But in the meantime, since the appearance of the handcuffs Fifty shades of graybooks are not available and Christine le Duc’s webshop is doing better business than ever. It seems that the bondage sets in particular are very popular.”

This article previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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