Iris (31) was abandoned shortly after giving birth: ‘Your maternity period should be a wonderful time, but I just cried’

“My friend and I walked on the dike behind our village, our two-and-a-half-week-old daughter was in the pram. I asked him how he was doing, because I knew he had been a little dreading becoming a father, having to bear the responsibility.

“Don’t you think it’s better to break up?” he replied. I could not believe my ears. Why would we do that? He said his feeling was gone. I was very shocked. This couldn’t be true. We just had a baby!”

Finally pregnant

“A year before we celebrated ten years of being together. He gave me a card on which he wrote: I am so happy with you. That applied to me too. I was crazy about him. When I found out I was pregnant two months later, I felt like the happiest person in the world. We had been trying to get pregnant for a year without success and were about to go to the hospital for examination. But that was no longer necessary.

I was super happy and expected us to be together. But he actually distanced himself from me. At the weekend he increasingly went out, to the pub or to play football with friends. Logically, I reasoned, it is still possible now. With a baby it becomes more difficult to go on the road.”

Curt

“But he also distanced himself emotionally. He said he dreaded being responsible for a child. I asked further, but he cut that off. He never talked about what was bothering him. There were periods when he was not feeling well because of dissatisfaction with his work. Then he was lethargic or withdrawn. Whenever I wanted to talk about it, he usually muttered something like ‘busy at work’ and that was the end of it. During my pregnancy he became more and more curt.

I saw it as a temporary phase. I had started a teacher training course and was also busy, so there was sometimes little time together during the week. As soon as we both calmed down a bit with work and studies and he got used to the idea of ​​becoming a father, things would be fine again.”

Maternity period

“But even when our daughter was born, he remained distant. He stopped hugging me. He was caring for our child, but those moments were few and far between. He preferred to go out in the evening. After his announcement, living separately was discussed, so he could see if he would miss me. I didn’t want that, I wanted to fight for our relationship. Because I knew for sure: I will grow old with him. We had such a good time together.

We are both very social, have many mutual friends, are enterprising and enjoy traveling. He was my haven at home. He was always there for me, I could rely on him and he on me. Eleven years together, you don’t just throw that away. He was shocked by my emotions. I also told my parents and asked him to talk to his parents too. They were all devastated. I think these reactions made him stay a little longer.”

Future plans

“Although he had said that his feelings were gone, he did make plans for the future. As a maternity gift we received a pink child seat that he wanted to exchange, because imagine if we ever had a son again. We should spend more time together, I thought that would do us good. He agreed. We booked a weekend away, the last weekend of my leave.

After we ate, we came back to the hotel room. “I don’t love you anymore,” he said. Suddenly I felt nauseous and ran to the bathroom where dinner came out again. How can love suddenly be gone? How can that love slip away so quickly? I was insecure. What did I do wrong?”

In therapy together

“I decided to move in with my parents with our then three-month-old daughter. Our friends and the people in the village were not allowed to know anything, because he did not want anyone to gossip about us. He took it so far that a week after he had put me aside, he had a drink at his parents’ house. We told the outside world that I had a migraine. I went along with it because I hoped things would turn out well.

My best friends knew that we lived apart. They were also shocked and sympathized with me. They are young mothers so they understood very well what time with a first child can be like. Telling the story was relieving, but also confrontational. As long as you don’t say things, it’s not true. So the more people knew it was over, the more true it became. I talked a lot about the situation with my parents, brother and sister and also with his family. Everyone advised us: go to relationship therapy.”

Wailing Wall

“The first session went positively. “Why did you fall for Iris?” the therapist asked. He said sweet things. But for the next few sessions he was just complaining. Nothing I did was right. He was annoyed that I didn’t like the color he chose for the wall, and it annoyed him that I didn’t get the food ready on time. The therapist made us go on a date and we went to the cinema. That went fine in itself, but my friend also said: you shouldn’t think that you can expect anything from me.

During one of the therapy sessions he also told me that I had changed during the pregnancy: I was no longer sociable, I was tired. After a few sessions I was done with it. Your postpartum period is supposed to be a wonderful time, but it was terrible and I cried a bit. I wrote him a letter: you behave like a victim, but we, your daughter and I are the victims. You make your family burst. I was sick of it. I gave him an ultimatum: either we go for it or we break up. He wanted another chance, he said. Okay, then let’s go for it.”

Single mother

“The next evening we had a village party, but he didn’t even look at me. The next day he broke up with me again. He said, “I don’t think it’s going to work out anymore.” And so suddenly I was a single mother with a four-month-old baby.

In the following months I did a lot. It was an escape from a flood of negative thoughts. I often spent a weekend with a friend in Amsterdam. That different environment did me a lot of good. Because home was no longer home, for me that equaled sadness, bad memories.”

Apology letter

“I’ve never looked like a slob. When I looked in the mirror and thought: I look nice, it made me more positive. My ex wrote me a letter saying he had doubts even before I was pregnant. He apologized, he should have said it earlier in the pregnancy. That hurt. It makes me feel like I only wanted this child, even though we had really decided together to start a family. I was angry with him, but I didn’t allow myself to express it. I wanted to maintain a good relationship with him for our daughter.

Two months after we broke up, he had a new girlfriend. After an eleven-year relationship and a newborn baby, it hurt a lot. I blame him for not giving our family a chance. That we were together for so long and he suddenly left. Pat’s boom. Like it was nothing. That he made that decision on his own. That he never said, before we brought a child into the world together, that he was not happy. He never gave our daughter a chance at a normal family life.”

Lost trust in ex

“She has been with my ex on Thursdays and every other weekend for a year and a half now. I can tell from her that it is quite intense to be dragged between two houses. When we go somewhere together, she gets upset when I put my coat on. Then she thinks I’m leaving her behind. I come from a close-knit family myself. That is dear to me and I wish that for my daughter too, but she will never know that.

When I was pregnant, her father and I decided that I would work three days and be with her the rest of the time. I liked working, but only for the sake of it. My family was the most important. Now I work five days a week. I want to be financially independent, but I feel guilty about taking my daughter to the childminder so much.

My ex and I are in contact about our daughter and I try to be polite, but he is giving me a hard time. He is still not always honest and I have lost trust. Too much happened during my pregnancy, but also afterwards. There was a weekend when he couldn’t take care of our daughter because he had to leave for work. It later emerged that he was on a winter sports holiday with his new girlfriend that weekend.”

Keep talking

“I regularly have difficult days, where I keep thinking: where did it go wrong? But I don’t blame myself for our break-up anymore. In the beginning, when we kept it a secret that we were living apart, I was ashamed that we hadn’t made it. It has become very clear to me how important it is that you keep talking and also seek support from your friends. Out of shame, I kept up appearances and played along, but keeping it a secret caused extra stress. When maternity visitors came, he played the fantastic father and friend.

I believe in love, but I have lost my open-mindedness. My confidence in particular has been damaged. After eleven years together you think you know someone. I was so sure about him, but I was completely wrong.”

Lost and won

“I have lost a lot over the past year and a half, but I have also won. I am more confident than before. That is crazy and I would never have thought before. I now know: if I can hold my own after all this, who will beat me to it? what? I also want to be strong for my daughter. I draw strength from her. She is a happy and energetic girl. Mornings when I actually didn’t want to get out of bed, I had to, because I wanted to take care of her. It sounds cliché , but when the day is completely black, her smile brings light back to my heart.

I am proud that I am now financially independent again. Ultimately I do it all myself, but not without all the lovely people around me. The relationship with my parents has always been good, but it is even closer now. This also applies to the bond with my sister and brother. They have supported me and have always been there for me. I learned an important lesson from being abandoned: I have to trust my intuition.”

This Real Life was previously in Flair. You can read more stories like this every week in Flair.